Tweaking The Tools With Tweens

The hardest period in my life was tween and teen-hood which is probably why I have a heart for tweens and teens. I am a mentor at my local high school, which I find incredibly fulfilling. I run a youth theatre. This should mean I am a spectacular tween parent, yeah?

Yeah, nah… (That’s Australian for “Sadly not”).

What I have learned is that often when we struggle with something in our parenting, it’s connected to what was going on for us at the same age. So, it’s no wonder this is a hard age to parent.

And yet, I still have to do it.

Image of a young girl with light hair and black long-sleeved top, head tilted to the right with neutral expression.

So what’s hard?

I think one thing is that we are almost fearing this time right from birth, or even before. People talk about how tough it is long before you’re there and often, as they are growing up, the behaviour is compared to that of a teen. Then it all comes way too fast… Both literally (they say adolescence is hitting a lot earlier these days) and figuratively.

Fear is one of the worst blockers of clear-thinking. Having all this fear stored and ready to go doesn’t help when you’re approaching this stage. The reality doesn’t help either. We know what issues our tweens and teens will face or even experience; social media issues, vaping, smoking, drugs, alcohol, sex, sexualisation, anxiety, depression, childism, ableism, homophobia, transphobia, war (just to name a few). Add to the mix the after-effects (fingers crossed it will one day be over) of a global pandemic and it’s adding far more complexity to an already challenging era in a young person’s life.

So what can help?

Hand In Hand Parenting has a tool called Listening Partnerships. This is the last tool that I actually came to, which is hilarious, because it’s the one I couldn’t live without. Listening Partnerships are based on the knowledge that each of us knows our family best and that when we can think clearly, we can find solutions and empathy and connection and warmth. The idea is that you and another adult share an agreed amount of time eg. 20 mins each and one of you just talks or cries or vents or rages. You can kick things off by telling the story of your life or you can tap into what was happening for you at the same age. When I first did that I had some major breakthroughs. Shared here.

Or you can just see what spills out, or use your Listening Partner as a stand-in for your child, partner, school principal… (trust me, better that then an explosion with the real deal). Your Listener gives you their warm attention knowing that you are good and wise and you have got this.

This tool is very helpful with sorting through the muck that stands in the way of clear-thought. It can help take those running messages that stand in the way of your natural love and understanding for your child and what they are going through. It can help you tap into the real upset underlying your child’s behaviour.

Another of our tools is Special Time. This is where you dedicate a specific amount of time to turn off all distractions, let go of your agendas and to-do lists and focus fully on DELIGHTING in your child and letting them lead. This is a connection superfood! It’s vital!

How many of you are reading now and thinking “They would not agree to that in a million years?”

That can be the biggest problem with tweens/teens. They can self-sabotage like no one else.

Tween buried among pink and blue balloons with dark hair and black and white striped skivvy.

An off-track child craves, needs and desires connection. Yet, they will often show it in the least desirable way. Family therapist, Virginia Satir, suggests “We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.” And the Gottman Institute says adults need five positive interactions for every one negative interaction and seven positive interactions for children.

Am I the only one thinking… “Sheesh! I AM SUNK!” ??

If I am, yay! I am so glad that everyone else is nailing this because I genuinely do want every child on this earth to feel that loved and connected to, but if not, I want you to know that you are STILL doing a good job. You are still a loving and connected caregiver and what you ARE doing matters.

You wouldn’t be reading this otherwise.

So if, like me, your tween won’t let you hug them most of the time (I do believe very strongly in consent, especially during this time when they may be faced with many potential consent threats) or there doesn’t seem to be enough space for you to give seven positive interactions, I would suggest you get more creative. And more kind to yourself. You may be missing little moments where you are, in fact, having a connected moment. When they are telling you what seems like a long or boring story or showing you a Tik Tok, that might be the only the way they know how to connect at that point.

My tween has a phone for the first time and I have loads of complicated feelings around that, not least of all because I am the first to admit to my own screen addiction. They message me all day. In the beginning it was constantly complaining about school and I was trying to tell them how lucky they were to go to that particular school, how they need to get off their phone and make friends, etc. A friend of mine said “Can you see those texts as connection?” and that’s when the penny dropped that there is more conversation opportunity there for me than anywhere else at the moment. So most of the time (not all the time… you will soon learn I am far from perfect) I try to just listen to those texts. Ie. “I hear you really hate it there.”, “I know you want to come home.” Or “I am looking forward to seeing you later.” And that has been really helpful.

I’ve also found that making fun of me brings on some laughs. So if I am feeling up for it emotionally, I might do something “cringey” to get the ball rolling and lean in to being the butt of the joke. Laughter is a great release. As are tears. If we can come in close and listen to tears and rage and tantrums with warmth and empathy (we call this Staylistening) then we can help our tweens and teens get past the gunky layers of upset to their natural warmth.

All children want to do well and they will if they can. During those intense years it can be harder than ever so go easy on you, so you can go easy on them.

You deserve good support and a peaceful home.

Any questions?

Just Ask!

Aunty Ask xx

Image of five tweens of mixed gender and heritage leaning over a bridge and chatting among trees.